On October 3, after 23 years together, I am marrying Joel Freedman. It is the first marriage for each of us. I am 49 and Joel is 55.
On November 4, it is possible that California Proposition 8 might nullify our marriage.
Sick, huh? Especially when you read the elegant ruling May 15, 08 on the matter by the California Supreme Court.
I mean, it’s weird for both Joel and I to be getting married in the first place. We were raised and conditioned like most gay kids and gay adults to accept that marriage did not apply to us. We weren’t real men. There was something wrong with us that people were trying their best to tolerate, and others were not and decided to label us simply “sick” and “aberrations.”
The previous generation is dying out and with them, their ignorant views of gays and lesbians. However, their influence and conditioning on the current generation, and on Joel and I as well, still lingers in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Ie. the “civil union” bullshit being peddled by so-called straight progressives and political candidates which is really just another form of “back of the bus” lip service.
On the one hand, marriage for Joel and I feels right. We are grown men and we love each other and have lived together and cared for each other for 23 years. We are no less men than our straight friends. We are just as strong, just as brave, and just as smart (okay, a significant amount more so, who am I kidding :-) )We deserve everything other American adults deserve.
On the other hand, marriage has that “heterosexual feel” to it. Contrary to what conservatives claim about marriage being solely for procreation, marriage originally was created for a man’s “ownership” of a woman and her property.
Yes, raising children was part of the marriage ideal, but not required for straights and they were not deprived of their marriage rights if they didn’t produce children.
The romantic notion of marriage is a relatively recent development from the nineteenth century.
I wish gays and lesbians could create our own “bonding ceremony” that was recognized as equal by state and federal U.S. law. An original ritual that would somehow mean more than just acquiring what the straights have, and many times buying into the traditions the straights follow. An original tradition that the straights would try to usurp from us like they do our music and our fashions.
Maybe in time, we will develop something like that.
However, I understand that we need our equal rights first. Marriage is a contract. It is also a cultural stamp of approval of a relationship. And we are fighting for the equality of our relationship and of ourselves as men.
Joel and I deserve that stamp. Our relationship is just as dynamic and dignified as Barack and Michelle’s or any one else’s. If anything, ours is more resilient and our marriage would help America take a much needed step (one of many much needed these days) to evolve.
I’m proud to marry Joel in October!
